Self Improvement Frustration

As I have mentioned before, I am a reader and I read several books about grieving. Many of the books talk about the loss of a spouse or a divorce as a chance to try something completely new and to “follow your passion.”   Following that advice, I did read a few books on self-improvement and transformation. My biggest complaint with them all is that they seem to assume you are broken and need to pull yourself out of a crevasse of unhappiness or other negative condition. I am looking to explore new options and to learn to think in new ways, I’m not in need of a complete life overhaul.  On one hand, I find it sad to think that perhaps, since the authors are targeting that audience, there are many people who are truly unhappy and in need of change. On the other hand, I am somewhat insulted to think that the only reason I may want to explore change is because I am “screwed-up” in some way! It is an interesting incongruity.

The other aspect of many of these books is, “finding and following your passion.” I seem to fail here as well since I don’t have a passion. I’m not unhappy where I am. If I could do anything I’m not sure what that would be.  Sometimes that concerns me so I try to follow the advice. That advice generally includes reflecting about what I wanted to be as a child. I wanted to be an author as I loved to read and also to write (hey, I even got to read one of my poems on the Boston public radio station when I was 10 ;). But, when I went to college that wasn’t even something I considered.  The goal had left me and I had other interests.  I realize now that while I still have a desire to be an author, I don’t have the drive needed to devote to that task.  Maybe someday that technical book about accessibility will emerge and I will write more than a book chapter (pages 331-343) on the topic. For now, I’ll continue to use this blog as my writing outlet. And, that is okay.

I used to love photography but I never seriously considered that as a career. I realized that the logistics and business end of photography would weigh me down and remove the joy. Unfortunately, much of that joy and wonder has left me over the years. Even though I still use my camera I don’t have that same immersion and total absorption.  I hope it comes back one day. And, I do enjoy creating a calendar each year to share with my friends.  So, that passion is out as an option for the “new me” but I will keep it as a hobby.

So, perhaps it is time to stop reading those books. While I still face many struggles being alone and carrying on after losing Gary, I’m not unhappy. I don’t think I need to feel bad that I am carrying on with the “status quo.” I haven’t made any life changing decisions and I think I’ll just accept that I am okay with that and my acceptance is all that matters.

I hope others can do the same and not be swayed by the advocacy to take risks and to make big changes unless they are truly unhappy or in a dangerous situation.  While change is good and everyone needs a push now and then, change isn’t a requirement to be happy and thrive.

Another year goes by

I didn’t post on the actual anniversary of Gary’s death but I was definitely aware of the date. It is a date that I don’t want to remember or “celebrate” even though it is painfully etched in my memory. The Modern Widows club refers to the date as the “angelversary” which is a nicer way to think of it. It was a “normal” day for the most part – I wasn’t overly emotional nor did I sit and brood. I accept that I can’t change the past.

I will admit that the holidays are difficult because Gary’s last days were spent in the hospital over Christmas and New Year’s. These holidays now contain the painful memories of those final days and decisions. While I think of and remember Gary every single day of the year, the hard memories coming flooding in during the holiday season. I guess they are fading with time, just not fast enough.

Here is my journal entry from January 7, 2018:

“4 years today – some contemplation and reflection today. How I miss Gary so – but life goes on and I continue to adjust.”

And now the cats and I are settled into the condo for the winter months. I am comforted being here in the place that Gary envisioned but I strive to reach out to new experiences and people. Life continues on new pathways and I am doing my best to enjoy the journey.

Chasing Butterflies

Yes, I was literally chasing butterflies. I decided to take advantage of the fact that I am only working part time. Today I attended a Monarch butterfly tagging program at a Mass Audubon property. I can confirm that butterflies are not the easiest critters to catch! I had to laugh at myself as I was tramping through the milk weed and goldenrod with a net chasing a butterfly. The butterfly escaped.

We did catch 4 and tagged them. The tag is a very small sticker that is attached to the underside of the butterfly’s wing close to the body. It is very light and researchers are confident that it doesn’t affect the butterfly. I learned a few facts about Monarch butterflies today. I now know how to tell apart the males and females – the males have a spot on each lower wing. Monarchs are the only butterflies to have a very long migration – 2000 or so miles to Mexico. The butterflies that migrate to Mexico do not go back to their original starting point. They over-winter in Mexico and then lay their eggs in the Southern US in the spring when head north. But they die before traveling further north. The next generation returns back to the migration starting point and breeds. The generations that are born in June and July die before they migrate. The ones born in late August and September are the ones to migrate. And, for every three tagged Monarch’s from the central US corn belt that are recoverved in Mexico, only one Monarch from New England is recovered.

Probably more than you ever thought you wanted to know about Monarch butterflies!

A Monarch caterpillar on a milk weed leaf.

 

This butterfly had just emerged from his chrysalis and was still drying his wings. The tag with url, phone, and tag number is visible on his wing.

 

An Intuitive Reading

I don’t participate in any organized religions and thus don’t consider myself a religious person. I believe that I am spiritual, that there is some sort of connection of all beings within the universe. As I get older, I’m sure I will contemplate spirituality more deeply.

I went on a yoga retreat recently and one of the organizers was a clairvoyant medium. She offered intuitive readings during the retreat. I strongly considered signing up for one, but in the end decided I needed to consider it further. I needed to decide if it was something I could believe in and accept. The medium operates a yoga studio near me and offers the readings there, although there is often a long wait. I decided I would sign up when I got home from the retreat and then have time to make a final decision if this was something I wanted to try or not. I had to consider whose spirit might reach out to me, did I actually believe it was possible? Would it be Gary? What would he have thought about all of this?

When I went to book the reading there were actually a very few openings within the week. I took that as an encouraging sign so I took the appointment. I was skeptical and I vowed not to reveal too much to Gail, the medium. I’ve heard admonishments from skeptics that spiritual readers are very good observers and listeners and can learn enough about a person to make reasonable assumptions that appear to be “magical.” I was nervous but I also went in with an open mind.

Gail made me feel comfortable and the only personal question I remember her asking was about my ring. I wear my wedding ring on my right hand. I told her I was widowed 3 and a half years ago but provided no other details. The first spirit she felt was a tallish man (not over 6 feet), bald on top with a circle of hair that was light in color. He looked elderly but wasn’t stooped over or frail and he appeared fairly strong. There was a dark haired, shorter stout woman with him and that they seemed to go together. Gail asked if those descriptions rang any bells? She indicated that there is no explanation for which spirits might communicate. I really wasn’t sure who they could be. Gary certainly wasn’t old and he was only about 5 feet 9 or 10 inches tall. He was bald with a ring of blond hair, though. Gail continued and dealt out the angel cards that are part of the reading and that I had thoroughly shuffled before we started.

The cards showed some stress in my life and possible financial issues. That is pretty accurate since I was laid off recently and while I don’t have any serious financial woes, it is definitely on my mind. I explained this to Gail. As we continued, my interest in travel came up. Gail indicated that it seemed that I wanted to travel or make a change but something was holding me back. I responded that yes, my mother is in a nursing home and I don’t want to relocate or travel too extensively. This is when she received more information from the spirit. He communicated that my mother would not notice if the time between my visits was a day, a week, or several months. That is true. I had not told Gail that my mother has dementia. A skeptical person could conclude that Gail had a 50/50 chance of making the correct assumption about my mother’s condition – many people in nursing homes have memory loss. The spirit next communicated to Gail something about me also worrying about leaving the pets. Gail asked me if I had a cat. Yes, I have two but I hadn’t mentioned that. Again, I guess that could be a reasonable assumption, especially if my clothes were sporting the usual decoration of cat hair!

Since both of these topics are things that Gary might bring up (especially the comment about my mother) we discussed the spirits again. I mentioned to Gail that Gary had died of cancer and he had lost so much weight that he looked old. She accepted this and felt that is why she sensed that the person was more robust than she would have expected for an older man. Since she felt the woman with him was connected to him in some way, I concluded that she was likely his mother. The reading and turning of cards continued. It showed some upcoming conflict in my life but no details. It also showed an upcoming financial gain (yeah, maybe the startup I am working for will succeed ;).

Then the love card turned up, twice – uh oh. As we talked about that Gail felt that Gary was communicating that he was okay with me finding someone else. That when I was ready, he wanted me to ask for his help in finding the right person. While this is certainly a nice sentiment for a medium to share with a widow, it also rang true for me. Before Gary ever got sick he used to say to me that he would die before me and that I should make sure that the next person in my life appreciated the home and life we had built together.

All in all it ended up being a very emotional and thought provoking session. I do believe that Gail made some connection to another dimension or spirit world. Whether or not it was actually Gary, I can’t say for certain but I do believe that the information she provided was not derived only from clues I may have provided. I will work on broadening my spiritual horizons and stepping beyond my current comfort zone. I will likely do this again.

I had this reading over a month ago and have contemplated posting about it. Today is Gary’s birthday, it seemed like the appropriate time. While I am devastated by his loss, I still make time to pause on this day and be thankful that he was born and shared his life with me. I can’t remember where I found this quote but it hit home for me:

“I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with you. Then I remembered… you spent the rest of yours with me.” From Wake me Up! The True Story of Life After Death by Lyn Rages.

Re-evaluating priorities

The end of the year always brings some amount of reflection. I think I have done pretty well adjusting to life without Gary over the past 3 years. I also think it is time to slow down a bit. I have certainly enjoyed vacations and participating in many activities but I feel like I can’t keep up with daily life as much as I would like. My activities make me feel like I am not lazy, but I really struggle to get through the more mundane tasks. I am always going “some” where or doing “some” thing. And then I am too tired to do the necessary things! I think I should remember Gary’s advice and, “slow down”.

Participating in activities with people is important and I have tried to place a high priority on doing things with friends. That doesn’t need to stop, but I also need to prioritize a bit better. Or perhaps I need to bargain with myself more. I won’t rush off to some fun thing until some other less fun thing is done. I will never get the workshop cleaned out if I don’t make that a priority. I will never get my office cleaned unless I make that a priority. I could argue that neither one of these tasks is absolutely essential but actually, to me they are. I need to feel more in control of my life. I need to get rid of excess “things”, I need to be able to find the “things” I have. I need to own my environment.

I’m not sure this post makes much sense to anyone but me. I’m proud that I have managed well over the last three years but it is time for me to feel more settled and to move in a determined direction. There are many bits of me that have been neglected, it is time to give them some attention.

Emotional Overflow

When I was traveling home from my 2 day rim to rim adventure in the Grand Canyon I had a 2+ hour layover in Chicago’s Midway airport. I opted to eat dinner at one of the sit-down restaurants. I had ordered my dinner and a glass of wine when the waitress mentioned to one of the other tables that there was an Honor Flight arriving at the airport.  I thought that was pretty cool, especially since my father served in Europe in WWII.  And while I was finishing up as the people started gathering outside of the restaurant, I couldn’t bring myself to go out. I was tearing up. I heard the crowd clapping but I couldn’t bring myself to close out my tab and go join them.  I had to focus on the book I was reading on my iPhone to avoid from bawling my eyes out.  In fact I was teary-eyed just sitting there listening to the clapping and cheering crowd gathered outside.

I was embarrassed and felt like a non-appreciative heel. Why couldn’t I go out and cheer as well? I wanted to show my respect and thanks. Why was I afraid of crying in public? But, I didn’t do it, I knew I would be openly bawling. I opted for another glass of wine and joined them in spirit as I tried to focus on my book. Why am I so emotional? I’d like to say that it is a result of losing Gary and becoming a widow but I know that isn’t completely true.  Maybe I was still on the emotional overload of completing my 2 day rim to rim hike of the Grand Canyon? Who knows? But, I have always been an overly emotional person when I can be. Even before I lost Gary I would cry at movies – even ones that I already know that the ending is sad and emotional. The Spitfire Grill immediately comes to mind as a sad movie and The Shawshank Redemption is an example of one with a happy ending. I cry when I hear the National Anthem or the Pledge of Allegiance. Always have.

But, I don’t consider myself an empath (which seems to be a popular term these days). I certainly can have empathy for others but I can also be brutal in my (internal, non-verbalized) criticism of others. And, when I need to be strong I am.  I helped my mother through the death of my father. I cried but in my own time, in my own way in Gary’s arms. I was strong when I need to be for Gary.  I’m a good person to have around in a crisis.  I guess I just channel my emotions when I need to and let them overflow at other times – times that don’t affect others as much. Even writing this post and reading about the Honor Flight makes me tear up.

I know it doesn’t make me a bad person that I am emotional.  It can be embarrassing but I guess I should just get over it.  Maybe I should embrace the fact that I cry when I hear the National Anthem? Who can criticize me for that? It is probably better to let it all out rather than to hold it in. Maybe someday I’ll embrace my emotions or at least learn to control them. For now I guess I will continue to struggle not to cry in public.

A Taste of Change

This post has been in my head for many weeks and it was finally time to write it down and at least keep with posting once per month.

I spent February through April at the condo in SC.  As posted previously, Loose Ends, I finally got it completed with the installation of the stairs. I do like it at the SC condo but it was certainly a change.  I was away from my family and friends – my support network.  It was a chance to try out a big change, but with a safety net – it was only for a few months.  I’m not planning any life changing events like selling the house or moving but this was a taste of change – an opportunity to try out life on my own.  Gary and I had both planned to go to SC for the winter and I was just following through with that plan.  Without Gary it was more of a challenge.

I was alone. I was working at home. The IBM office in Greenville is just a satellite office with people coming and going.  It certainly wasn’t worth driving for 25 minutes and paying to park to work in an office, possibly by myself! There were no friends to call to go out to dinner or to bail me out of any binds. There were no friends to actually talk to face to face. I was on my own and responsible for my own actions. It was up to me to meet new people and to try new activities. Gary was always the one to meet the neighbors and make new friends – now I was up to me.

And, I did okay. I kept in touch with my work friends via email and instant messaging. It wasn’t the same but it was still contact.  I called my family and friends now and then to catch up. I used MeetUp to find and join a book club, hiking group, and walking group. I went on events with these groups. I chatted with my neighbors when they were outside.  I went to restaurants alone.  I sat and the bar and talked to other people if they were open to it. Most people sitting at a restaurant bar are willing to chat.

I did feel a bit guilty about leaving my mom.  I travelled back a few times to visit her.  But, when I realized that calling her often was almost the same to her as visiting, I skipped my last trip home.  We both did okay.

I also enjoyed the freedom of not worrying about the house and all of the things I needed to do.  My dear friends were plowing as necessary and available for any emergencies.  I didn’t think about cleaning out the workshop or the basement or the closets or …… I didn’t worry about the need for new doors or windows or painting.  It was somewhat of a respite from home ownership.  Now I am back to reality.

But, I love the house and the yard.  I don’t love the clutter.  After being in a new place with not so much stuff and “clutter” I was assaulted with the need to organize, clean, and de-clutter when I got home.  I hope I can keep that feeling and make headway on cleaning out both my “stuff” and Gary’s!  I do realize that until I do that, I really can’t move on completely. But, I did enjoy my taste of change and look forward to it next winter!

An Attempted Pick-up

A few weeks ago I went out on a Saturday night to a local pizza restaurant with a bar. Gary and I were regulars here for many years so we got to know the owner, manager, chef, and many of the bartenders. Because I know folks, I am comfortable going there by myself and sitting at the bar (which Gary and I always did). For those who live locally, the place is Angela’s Coal Fired Pizza in Tyngsborough – it is awesome pizza!

I had wanted to see the manager but she wasn’t there when I arrived.  I enjoyed my glass of wine, salad, and pizza and was getting ready to go when I learned that the manger was on her way.  I ordered another glass of wine to wait for her and say hi. She has been going through some physical and personal issues lately and I wanted to check in with her.

When I first arrived the place was packed.  I got one of the last seats at the bar.  It slowly started to thin out when this man walked in.  He was the type of person who you can pin-point from afar – sure of himself and a talker.  I’m not an astute judge of characters but he had that sense of bravado about him.  He had a leather jacket and a swagger. I was relieved that there wasn’t a seat close to me as I wasn’t in a chatting mode.  He proceeded to talk to the man a few seats from me.  It was obvious the other guy really wasn’t all that interested but was polite.  I couldn’t help but over hearing the conversation. It isn’t worth repeating.

Unfortunately the bar thinned out more and the other man left.  Now, the swaggering talker had access to me.  I explained that I was waiting for someone but I was polite and chatted with him. Sometimes I wonder if I would be better off being a bitch but that (I hope) is not in my nature.  Note to self, in the future move my wedding ring back to my left hand when I am out in public in “risky” situations.

My friend, the manager, arrived and sat next to me. I literally turned my back on the “talker/stalker” and engaged with my friend. That conversation is worthy of another post because she has recently broken up from a long term relationship. Thankfully she understands that her situation is very different than mine but there are also many similarities we could share and I understand her hurt and loneliness.  She is also dealing with a medical condition. It was good to catch up.

I really didn’t feel bad about turning my back on  the guy at the bar. I had told him that I was just waiting for someone and I hadn’t started the conversation.  But, when he left, he gave me a torn off piece of receipt with his phone number!  Ugh!  I certainly wasn’t prepared for THAT!  I certainly didn’t flirt with him, just chatted at the bar as a polite person.  It certainly threw me off!  I’m not sure I have ever had someone try to pick me up in a bar before – even in my youth!

It made me worry that I send out the wrong signals. Am I too friendly? But then I realized I was making it my “fault” when it really wasn’t.  A woman should be able sit at a bar and eat and have a drink without anyone assuming she is looking for something more than an evening out.  I thought Match.com and eHarmony are where people turned to now a-days when “looking for love”?

I am thankful that I can go to Angela’s where I have friends and can feel comfortable. But, I have to say this whole situation gave me pause.  I guess I should be flattered but I am not ready for another relationship, yet.  Maybe someday, who knows.  For now I am taking things one day at a time and hoping I am not sending the wrong signals by being friendly!

No harm was done. Just more food for thought on my journey.

Slow Dances Are Hard

This past weekend I attended the wedding of my dear friends’ daughter. The wedding and venue was beautiful. I was excited to attend and I splurged on a new dress and shoes. I didn’t count on the slow dances raising so many emotions. It is hard to watch all of the loving couples on the dance floor when I was missing my own love. 

Although, I have to admit it was a bit ironic because in 30+ years of knowing Gary we never danced together. For someone who was drummer with a profound sense of music, he was too self conscious to dance! Thankfully it was a warm night and I was able to maintain my composure by talking a short walk outside and rejoicing in the stars.

I don’t begrudge anyone their love. Slow dances, tender moments, thoughtful glances, and love must continue in this world. I’m sure it is hard for any single person to sit on the sidelines during a slow dance. I guess I didn’t expect it to hit me so hard. I have a new appreciation of being single.

Nor do I regret experiencing the love shared at the wedding. I am so thankful that my friends included me. I’m not writing this to make anyone feel bad. Please, continue dancing, hugging, loving , and living like no one is watching! Life is what happens and we adjust and move on. Sometimes emotions are stronger and harder but each new experience is a step forward.

Loss of Passion

I just returned from an awesome trip to Iceland and made new friends whom I would travel with again. Why then are so many thoughts swirling through my head needing to be expressed? I think reality is setting in. I have managed the last year and a half by keeping up the status quo. I still do the same things I did before and keep up most of the same patterns and activities. I just feel like I have lost my passion for activities that used to inspire me.

I used to relish in my photography, always searching for the perfect angle or way to capture my emotions. Some of that seems gone. It seems more like work now to find that perfect image. I don’t feel confident in my abilities or push myself to experiment with different settings. I feel lazy about my photography and disappointed because the magic is gone. Given all that I have gone through, I guess I can accept that – at least for now.  But it isn’t just my photography.

Here I was in Iceland having the most incredible experience surrounded by wonderful, caring people but I still felt a bit empty. Loss of passion is how I describe it. I can appreciate the beauty and opportunities around me but right now I don’t have the energy to appreciate it as much as I want to. Life has changed for me. It has turned in a new direction. I want to look at this as an opportunity. An opportunity to have another life – to do something completely different.

Right now, though, I am frustrated because I don’t have a passion or a specific direction to turn. I don’t have any hidden dreams. I have the potential to try something totally different and it saddens me that I don’t know what that is. Why don’t I have aspirations and goals? It makes me feel lazy.

I accept these feelings as part of the grieving process. It took me 50+ years to get where I am. I guess I just have to be patient and take one small step at a time. I just wish I knew where the steps were leading me.  I have to accept that my life has changed and will continue to change in ways I can’t even imagine. I have to accept that my interests will change. I can’t feel guilty if some of my old interests no longer inspire me.  After all, changing and growing is a constant part of life, even without a cataclysmic shift.

I’ll continue to be patient. I’ll keep my eyes open for new opportunities and new adventures and activities to inspire me. I’ll keep searching for the correct venue to volunteer, contribute, and give back. I’ll remain confident that my passion will return in a new and meaningful direction.