Self Improvement Frustration

As I have mentioned before, I am a reader and I read several books about grieving. Many of the books talk about the loss of a spouse or a divorce as a chance to try something completely new and to “follow your passion.”   Following that advice, I did read a few books on self-improvement and transformation. My biggest complaint with them all is that they seem to assume you are broken and need to pull yourself out of a crevasse of unhappiness or other negative condition. I am looking to explore new options and to learn to think in new ways, I’m not in need of a complete life overhaul.  On one hand, I find it sad to think that perhaps, since the authors are targeting that audience, there are many people who are truly unhappy and in need of change. On the other hand, I am somewhat insulted to think that the only reason I may want to explore change is because I am “screwed-up” in some way! It is an interesting incongruity.

The other aspect of many of these books is, “finding and following your passion.” I seem to fail here as well since I don’t have a passion. I’m not unhappy where I am. If I could do anything I’m not sure what that would be.  Sometimes that concerns me so I try to follow the advice. That advice generally includes reflecting about what I wanted to be as a child. I wanted to be an author as I loved to read and also to write (hey, I even got to read one of my poems on the Boston public radio station when I was 10 ;). But, when I went to college that wasn’t even something I considered.  The goal had left me and I had other interests.  I realize now that while I still have a desire to be an author, I don’t have the drive needed to devote to that task.  Maybe someday that technical book about accessibility will emerge and I will write more than a book chapter (pages 331-343) on the topic. For now, I’ll continue to use this blog as my writing outlet. And, that is okay.

I used to love photography but I never seriously considered that as a career. I realized that the logistics and business end of photography would weigh me down and remove the joy. Unfortunately, much of that joy and wonder has left me over the years. Even though I still use my camera I don’t have that same immersion and total absorption.  I hope it comes back one day. And, I do enjoy creating a calendar each year to share with my friends.  So, that passion is out as an option for the “new me” but I will keep it as a hobby.

So, perhaps it is time to stop reading those books. While I still face many struggles being alone and carrying on after losing Gary, I’m not unhappy. I don’t think I need to feel bad that I am carrying on with the “status quo.” I haven’t made any life changing decisions and I think I’ll just accept that I am okay with that and my acceptance is all that matters.

I hope others can do the same and not be swayed by the advocacy to take risks and to make big changes unless they are truly unhappy or in a dangerous situation.  While change is good and everyone needs a push now and then, change isn’t a requirement to be happy and thrive.

Loss of Passion

I just returned from an awesome trip to Iceland and made new friends whom I would travel with again. Why then are so many thoughts swirling through my head needing to be expressed? I think reality is setting in. I have managed the last year and a half by keeping up the status quo. I still do the same things I did before and keep up most of the same patterns and activities. I just feel like I have lost my passion for activities that used to inspire me.

I used to relish in my photography, always searching for the perfect angle or way to capture my emotions. Some of that seems gone. It seems more like work now to find that perfect image. I don’t feel confident in my abilities or push myself to experiment with different settings. I feel lazy about my photography and disappointed because the magic is gone. Given all that I have gone through, I guess I can accept that – at least for now.  But it isn’t just my photography.

Here I was in Iceland having the most incredible experience surrounded by wonderful, caring people but I still felt a bit empty. Loss of passion is how I describe it. I can appreciate the beauty and opportunities around me but right now I don’t have the energy to appreciate it as much as I want to. Life has changed for me. It has turned in a new direction. I want to look at this as an opportunity. An opportunity to have another life – to do something completely different.

Right now, though, I am frustrated because I don’t have a passion or a specific direction to turn. I don’t have any hidden dreams. I have the potential to try something totally different and it saddens me that I don’t know what that is. Why don’t I have aspirations and goals? It makes me feel lazy.

I accept these feelings as part of the grieving process. It took me 50+ years to get where I am. I guess I just have to be patient and take one small step at a time. I just wish I knew where the steps were leading me.  I have to accept that my life has changed and will continue to change in ways I can’t even imagine. I have to accept that my interests will change. I can’t feel guilty if some of my old interests no longer inspire me.  After all, changing and growing is a constant part of life, even without a cataclysmic shift.

I’ll continue to be patient. I’ll keep my eyes open for new opportunities and new adventures and activities to inspire me. I’ll keep searching for the correct venue to volunteer, contribute, and give back. I’ll remain confident that my passion will return in a new and meaningful direction.