I just returned from an awesome trip to Iceland and made new friends whom I would travel with again. Why then are so many thoughts swirling through my head needing to be expressed? I think reality is setting in. I have managed the last year and a half by keeping up the status quo. I still do the same things I did before and keep up most of the same patterns and activities. I just feel like I have lost my passion for activities that used to inspire me.
I used to relish in my photography, always searching for the perfect angle or way to capture my emotions. Some of that seems gone. It seems more like work now to find that perfect image. I don’t feel confident in my abilities or push myself to experiment with different settings. I feel lazy about my photography and disappointed because the magic is gone. Given all that I have gone through, I guess I can accept that – at least for now. But it isn’t just my photography.
Here I was in Iceland having the most incredible experience surrounded by wonderful, caring people but I still felt a bit empty. Loss of passion is how I describe it. I can appreciate the beauty and opportunities around me but right now I don’t have the energy to appreciate it as much as I want to. Life has changed for me. It has turned in a new direction. I want to look at this as an opportunity. An opportunity to have another life – to do something completely different.
Right now, though, I am frustrated because I don’t have a passion or a specific direction to turn. I don’t have any hidden dreams. I have the potential to try something totally different and it saddens me that I don’t know what that is. Why don’t I have aspirations and goals? It makes me feel lazy.
I accept these feelings as part of the grieving process. It took me 50+ years to get where I am. I guess I just have to be patient and take one small step at a time. I just wish I knew where the steps were leading me. I have to accept that my life has changed and will continue to change in ways I can’t even imagine. I have to accept that my interests will change. I can’t feel guilty if some of my old interests no longer inspire me. After all, changing and growing is a constant part of life, even without a cataclysmic shift.
I’ll continue to be patient. I’ll keep my eyes open for new opportunities and new adventures and activities to inspire me. I’ll keep searching for the correct venue to volunteer, contribute, and give back. I’ll remain confident that my passion will return in a new and meaningful direction.
Blatantly Life 