As I have mentioned before, I am a reader and I read several books about grieving. Many of the books talk about the loss of a spouse or a divorce as a chance to try something completely new and to “follow your passion.” Following that advice, I did read a few books on self-improvement and transformation. My biggest complaint with them all is that they seem to assume you are broken and need to pull yourself out of a crevasse of unhappiness or other negative condition. I am looking to explore new options and to learn to think in new ways, I’m not in need of a complete life overhaul. On one hand, I find it sad to think that perhaps, since the authors are targeting that audience, there are many people who are truly unhappy and in need of change. On the other hand, I am somewhat insulted to think that the only reason I may want to explore change is because I am “screwed-up” in some way! It is an interesting incongruity.
The other aspect of many of these books is, “finding and following your passion.” I seem to fail here as well since I don’t have a passion. I’m not unhappy where I am. If I could do anything I’m not sure what that would be. Sometimes that concerns me so I try to follow the advice. That advice generally includes reflecting about what I wanted to be as a child. I wanted to be an author as I loved to read and also to write (hey, I even got to read one of my poems on the Boston public radio station when I was 10 ;). But, when I went to college that wasn’t even something I considered. The goal had left me and I had other interests. I realize now that while I still have a desire to be an author, I don’t have the drive needed to devote to that task. Maybe someday that technical book about accessibility will emerge and I will write more than a book chapter (pages 331-343) on the topic. For now, I’ll continue to use this blog as my writing outlet. And, that is okay.
I used to love photography but I never seriously considered that as a career. I realized that the logistics and business end of photography would weigh me down and remove the joy. Unfortunately, much of that joy and wonder has left me over the years. Even though I still use my camera I don’t have that same immersion and total absorption. I hope it comes back one day. And, I do enjoy creating a calendar each year to share with my friends. So, that passion is out as an option for the “new me” but I will keep it as a hobby.
So, perhaps it is time to stop reading those books. While I still face many struggles being alone and carrying on after losing Gary, I’m not unhappy. I don’t think I need to feel bad that I am carrying on with the “status quo.” I haven’t made any life changing decisions and I think I’ll just accept that I am okay with that and my acceptance is all that matters.
I hope others can do the same and not be swayed by the advocacy to take risks and to make big changes unless they are truly unhappy or in a dangerous situation. While change is good and everyone needs a push now and then, change isn’t a requirement to be happy and thrive.
Blatantly Life 