A Taste of Change

This post has been in my head for many weeks and it was finally time to write it down and at least keep with posting once per month.

I spent February through April at the condo in SC.  As posted previously, Loose Ends, I finally got it completed with the installation of the stairs. I do like it at the SC condo but it was certainly a change.  I was away from my family and friends – my support network.  It was a chance to try out a big change, but with a safety net – it was only for a few months.  I’m not planning any life changing events like selling the house or moving but this was a taste of change – an opportunity to try out life on my own.  Gary and I had both planned to go to SC for the winter and I was just following through with that plan.  Without Gary it was more of a challenge.

I was alone. I was working at home. The IBM office in Greenville is just a satellite office with people coming and going.  It certainly wasn’t worth driving for 25 minutes and paying to park to work in an office, possibly by myself! There were no friends to call to go out to dinner or to bail me out of any binds. There were no friends to actually talk to face to face. I was on my own and responsible for my own actions. It was up to me to meet new people and to try new activities. Gary was always the one to meet the neighbors and make new friends – now I was up to me.

And, I did okay. I kept in touch with my work friends via email and instant messaging. It wasn’t the same but it was still contact.  I called my family and friends now and then to catch up. I used MeetUp to find and join a book club, hiking group, and walking group. I went on events with these groups. I chatted with my neighbors when they were outside.  I went to restaurants alone.  I sat and the bar and talked to other people if they were open to it. Most people sitting at a restaurant bar are willing to chat.

I did feel a bit guilty about leaving my mom.  I travelled back a few times to visit her.  But, when I realized that calling her often was almost the same to her as visiting, I skipped my last trip home.  We both did okay.

I also enjoyed the freedom of not worrying about the house and all of the things I needed to do.  My dear friends were plowing as necessary and available for any emergencies.  I didn’t think about cleaning out the workshop or the basement or the closets or …… I didn’t worry about the need for new doors or windows or painting.  It was somewhat of a respite from home ownership.  Now I am back to reality.

But, I love the house and the yard.  I don’t love the clutter.  After being in a new place with not so much stuff and “clutter” I was assaulted with the need to organize, clean, and de-clutter when I got home.  I hope I can keep that feeling and make headway on cleaning out both my “stuff” and Gary’s!  I do realize that until I do that, I really can’t move on completely. But, I did enjoy my taste of change and look forward to it next winter!

The Trouble with Travel

As odd as it may sound, traveling makes me more aware of my aloneness. I enjoy travel and I like interacting with people. I like learning new things, meeting people, and engaging with friends. But, I miss not having anyone at home to share it with. I dread coming home to an empty house.

I was recently at an accessibility conference where I had the chance to reconnect with many friends and colleagues. It was great to be with my accessibility tribe! I was truly touched by so many friends who gave me a hug and asked how I was or who told me they follow this blog. It means so much to be reminded that people care. I realize how important it is to ask people how they are, to truly mean it, to be interested in the answer, and to top it off with a hug. Thank you to all of my caring friends.

When you are traveling and busy it is often hard to find time to call home, especially when there is a time difference. But I find I miss calling home and talking to Gary about my trip. I miss telling him about the conversations at the bar while waiting for a delayed flight. Or chatting about the people he has come to know over the years just through my interactions with them. It just feels empty and makes the trip less whole. 

Coming home is also hard. Sure, the cats are happy to see me (once dinner time arrives) but it is anticlimactic. I used to deluge Gary with all of my chatter. He’d pour a scotch to ease the flood!

I will get used to the change over time. I will keep traveling. After all, plenty of single people manage travel just fine. It is just another change that I need to adapt to.

What Dreams May Come

Dreaming of you

I see you in my dreams
Doing everyday things
Being you
It is comforting
All is normal
Until I wake up

Bittersweet Homecoming

I spent 3 weeks in my condo in SC while work was getting done to complete the kitchen.  I drove home last week and was overwhelmed with emotion when I got home. I started tearing up as I was nearing the house. I broke down when I got there.  I was sad to be coming home to an empty house, by myself. It just re-enforced to me how different life is without Gary and how much I miss him.

 

There are also more responsibilities at the house.  In SC I am able to escape thinking about the everyday home owner’s tasks. Certainly there is plenty to do in SC as I coordinate with the contractor and make decisions about the project. But, there is less for me to worry about. It is just as lonely in SC as in MA, probably more so since I don’t have friends to rely on. I am also working to finish the condo, Gary’s loose end. I think that makes being here a bit easier. In an odd way it is an escape from everyday life and responsibilities.

 

Now, a week later I am back in SC wishing I was home!  Go figure!  Although I am happy to see work getting accomplished and I am not sad being here.  Just anxious to be home with the cats and my friends.  The holidays and nearness of the one year anniversary of Gary’s hospitalization and death is weighing on me. I don’t want to remember the anniversary of these things but it is a day and time I unfortunately will never forget.

 

So, as emotions run high I take a deep breath and carry on.  I am so thankful for all of the friends and family who support me. I am so fortunate to have all this help, kindness, and caring.

 

Life is for living and memories are to treasure.  Forever.

I hate alone, alone sucks

Well, that might be a bit over dramatic, but if you are a fan of the movie Entrapment with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Sean Connery you will get the reference.

I have experienced a new kind of alone as I have travelled to our condo in SC in order to get it finished.*

This is a new perspective of alone for me.  I am truly alone here in SC. I don’t have friends to call for help. I have to make all of the decisions myself. I have to travel by myself. I have to load and unload the car myself.  I have to put together all of my IKEA purchases! I now appreciate more how much Gary was able to accomplish by himself.

I have more respect for people who live alone and who move to and explore new places on their own. It is truly a different experience for me not to have someone to talk to and to bounce ideas off of.  While many people find it liberating to be in control and appreciate the ability to make all of the decisions, after being a team with Gary for so many years this is a big change for me. It is hard to go from part of a team to a solo player. For the past 10 months I have been alone, but in a circle of comfort and support.  I have had friends to call when I needed help or a hug.  While I can still reach out to my friends, I don’t have that physical contact or safety net. It doesn’t overwhelm me but it is certainly another change in my life.

 

*For those who don’t know, Gary and I bought an unfinished condo in SC in February of 2012. Gary travelled there in March and started to finish it.  He was able to finish the upstairs loft, fix the plumbing, paint a fair amount of the condo, and do some prep work for the kitchen before coming home in May.  This is where he first started experiencing the symptoms of his esophageal cancer – little did we know those symptoms were so serious.  Finishing the condo was Gary’s “loose end”.  He always told me he wasn’t going anywhere until the condo was finished.  Unfortunately cancer had other ideas. Over the course of a few visits I found a contractor to finish the kitchen and downstairs bathroom for me. I packed up the kitties and am here for a few weeks while the work gets at least started. Thankfully I can work from here.

Nine Months Gone

It is a Tuesday and the 7th day of the month. I wish I didn’t remember those dates but Tuesday, January 7 will be forever etched on my memory as the day Gary passed on. It was 9 months ago today. It still doesn’t seem possible that he is gone forever. I continue to carry on and go through the motions of getting things done.  The lawn gets mowed, the leaves will get picked up, and day to day life goes on. I am thankful for the many friends that help and support me. Some days go by uneventfully and others are still a struggle. I will be doing something and just suddenly feel sad and alone.  It will just hit me that Gary is gone – forever.

I won’t ever have conversations with him over a scotch (or two or three). We can’t debate the absurdities of the world. I miss sharing things with him – stuff you only share with a spouse or significant other. The mundane things in the day, the personality quirks of your co-workers and friends, or the frustrations of dealing with a mother who has Alzheimer’s. I have friends to talk to and who I can call at any time. But those conversations are not the same. There is an emptiness in my daily life that I haven’t adjusted to, yet.

I am trying to be patient and to slowly adjust. For now I carry on the “normal” routines. Or whatever had become normal during Gary’s illness. I am working to finish the condo in SC and that gives me a goal to work towards.  I feel like I should change my life somehow – make it more meaningful. But, I know that I need to take time and not make any rash decisions.  So, I continue on and for the most part do very well. Until something hits me that disturbs my balance – a date, a memory, a task, or a moment that speaks to me of Gary. I accept the hurt and grief, re-group, and carry on.

Just a note that I edited this post and changed the title from Ten Months Gone (which is wrong) to Nine Months Gone. Thus, the url might be a bit messed up)

Melancholy

I went into Boston for a meeting last night. I parked in a parking garage and took the MBTA (subway) to my destination. I had to get out at the subway stop at Mass General Hospital (MGH) and walk a short way to the meeting location. MGH is where Gary was treated and ultimately died. I knew it would be odd to be in that area again but I didn’t expect it to bother me as much as it did.

I was late for the meeting so I hurried by MGH on my way. On the way back I was pulled to go into the MGH complex. I guess I just wanted to be there in the last place that I was with Gary, even if it is not the memory that I want to keep. It was nice to think of the many wonderful people we met while he was getting treated. It was hard to think that this is the last place he took a breath on this earth.  I walked by and did not stop. It was close to 9:00pm and I knew that the lobby would be deserted. I wouldn’t have the hustle and bustle to insulate me. I knew that if I walked into any of the MGH buildings I would completely lose it and burst into tears. It isn’t rational but I had to accept the truth.

I wouldn’t have expected to react so strongly. They are after all, just buildings. Buildings where we met caring people and where Gary fought so bravely. I don’t want to remember so vividly Gary’s last days but I can’t help it. I often still think about him in ICU when I go to bed or when I wake in the morning. The “what ifs” still haunt me even though I know we made the best choices we could.

Some days I feel like I am coping well. Other days I am still numb and in disbelief. I try not to dwell on things or to get overwhelmed.  I am taking steps forward in finishing the condo in SC. I have a list that of things that need to be done at the house. That list is overwhelming but I need it so I can prioritize and keep making progress.  I can only take one step at a time and move forward each day. I gave myself a year before I would make any big decisions. I am taking my time to adjust and to grieve and to absorb.

Just for the record, it truly sucks.

 

I’m Tired

I’m tired.
I’m tired of being sad, of being alone, of pretending normal.
I’m tired of doing it all myself, of talking to myself, of feeling sorry for myself.
I’m tired of wishing for what I can’t have.

At some point I have to stop being tired and to look forward.
To view this nightmare as an opportunity to change.
To turn alone into independent.
To turn sad into stable.
To turn tears into smiles of remembrance.

I’m not ready for that, yet.
I’ll take my time and let my new reality sink in.
I’ll carry on as best I can without my best friend.
I’ll try to make him proud.