Mom’s Eulogy

I finally organized my mom’s funeral services. She passed away on November 17, 2018. I put off the services to avoid the holidays and the potential problems of traveling to New England in the winter months. Then it got pushed back from this summer because I was moving and settling into a new home. And suddenly it was August and Mom still hadn’t not been honored and her ashes laid to rest. I was feeling rather guilty. We had her services on what would have been her 90th birthday on September 23, 2019. Many family members and friends attended and I thank them.

Gary always reminded me that funerals are for the living. To support one another in our grief. To share stories and memories. And the saying is true that weddings and funerals bring people together who probably wouldn’t gather otherwise. We all say that we will organize a gathering that isn’t a funeral but that rarely happens. Life intervenes. There is a conference, an child’s event – other plans that keep us from family gatherings. But for a funeral there is no excuse – we attend if we can. And that is good. Even if it is under sad circumstances we gather to share memories, to reconnect, to appreciate what we have. And, not withstanding memories, that is the last gift that the departed bestows – the gift of sharing and kinship and love.

Since time has passed, I was emotionally able to give Mom’s eulogy. I was directed by the reverend to keep it fairly short. What I initially wrote is much longer. Here is the version I delivered. There was so much more I could have said about Mom. Stories I wish I had included, but those came out over lunch as family and friends reconnected.

I think that we don’t always appreciate our mothers enough. We expect them to always be there to support us or offer advice and and extra hug when needed. Even when we don’t live close, just knowing your Mom is here on earth is comforting. It is hard to let go.

I learned more about Mom’s early life after she and Dad moved back to NH. After she went into assisted living, I heard so many stories as we drove around Keene. She would point out where she lived, or where. Aunt Betty lived or where her sister Terry fell through the ice.

Mom was never a neat person and was forgetful. She told me how when she would consistently forget her hat the priest would comment that she would forget her head if it wasn’t attached.

And books! Anyone who her knew her knows she loved to read. As a kid we made weekly trips to the library. She used to tell everyone that, “I was born with a book in my hand.” As a child punishment for her was taking away her library card! Even when her memory was failing, she always had a book by her side.

Mom and Dad lived in a few places over the years, NH, Chicago, Niigara Falls, and Concord, MA and had a child in each location. She raised 4 children and also took care of Dad’s parents in our home. But she embraced new adventures. We went camping for family vacations – sometimes in pretty remote places. And Mom loved to fish. She was a bit of a “legend” in the area for her ice fishing technique. She would stand by the hole and say, “here fishy, fishy.” When she got a bite the whole lake would know it as she yelled out in excitement. She would put the pole over her shoulder and run away from the hole and the fish would come popping out! Dad and my Uncle Ed were out fishing one summer and someone asked if they had seen the crazy lady fishing that winter. They both smirked and played dumb! But Mom embraced and enjoyed what ever she undertook.

The family took up skiing when I was about 8-10 years old and Mom wasn’t going to sit in the lodge. She was timid but she mastered the snow plow and could go pretty much anywhere. She had a big down coat and she looked like a puffy little star going back and forth across the slopes. We went skiing with our neighbors at their place in Maine each year and their son Paul nicknamed her “insulated Arlene”.

When I was in grade school Mom went to college and got her teaching degree and Masters in special education. She waitressed in order to pay her way. She taught for awhile and then ended up in the Human Resources department and doing training at Digital Equipment Corp. She loved Digital and thought the sun rose and set over the Digital Mill. I remember when I got a job at Lotus Development (the makers of the 1-2-3 spreadsheet for those old enough to remember) she told me to get experience so I could get a job at Digital!

Mom was alway frugal – probably a consequence of growing up during the depression and being poor. She loved yard sales and bargains. When she was in assisted living and Wendy or others would send her a greeting card after reading it she always turned it over to see the price. “Oh my goodness, they paid $3.99 for this card! That is outrageous! They should save their money”. It got so when I would give her a card I would ink out the price or buy the 99 cent ones to avoid her reprimand. But, I hear myself saying the same thing when I go to the store to buy a card.

Mom enjoyed traveling and was thrilled when Dad got involved in the reunions and history of the 446th bomb group that Dad was part of WWII. It meant at least a trip every year. And they did take cruises to the Bahamas, Alaska, Tahiti, and Australia and New Zealand. They did enjoy their retirement years.

It was hard to watch Mom’s memory deteriorate. It was hard to become the parent to my parent. But, Mom accepted the change and was always appreciative of everything I and others did for her. She was never in a rush to get up in the mornings or to get moving. She always wanted 5 more minutes- which became a bit of a problem when her short term memory was gone. I told her I was going to put “just 5 more minutes or her headstone – she laughed and said I should!

I was thankful that Mom remembered me up until very close to the end. She was a wonderful, caring and generous person. She volunteered and was active in our communities and churches. She had many friends and will be missed. Her life was well lived. On the 90th anniversary of her birth, we come together to say goodbye. May she Rest In Peace.

I thank you all for coming to celebrate her life.

The Trouble with Travel

As odd as it may sound, traveling makes me more aware of my aloneness. I enjoy travel and I like interacting with people. I like learning new things, meeting people, and engaging with friends. But, I miss not having anyone at home to share it with. I dread coming home to an empty house.

I was recently at an accessibility conference where I had the chance to reconnect with many friends and colleagues. It was great to be with my accessibility tribe! I was truly touched by so many friends who gave me a hug and asked how I was or who told me they follow this blog. It means so much to be reminded that people care. I realize how important it is to ask people how they are, to truly mean it, to be interested in the answer, and to top it off with a hug. Thank you to all of my caring friends.

When you are traveling and busy it is often hard to find time to call home, especially when there is a time difference. But I find I miss calling home and talking to Gary about my trip. I miss telling him about the conversations at the bar while waiting for a delayed flight. Or chatting about the people he has come to know over the years just through my interactions with them. It just feels empty and makes the trip less whole. 

Coming home is also hard. Sure, the cats are happy to see me (once dinner time arrives) but it is anticlimactic. I used to deluge Gary with all of my chatter. He’d pour a scotch to ease the flood!

I will get used to the change over time. I will keep traveling. After all, plenty of single people manage travel just fine. It is just another change that I need to adapt to.

An Unwelcome Anniversary

It is hard to believe that a year has passed since I had to make the most difficult decision of my life and to turn off the life support for Gary. I had to accept that there was no chance that he would ever fully recover from the pneumonia, let alone the cancer. I had to let him go.

It has been a long year but it also seems to have gone by faster than I expected. Turbulence is one way to describe it. I have survived a year of firsts  – holidays, anniversaries, birthdays – without Gary. I could not have done it without the support of so many friends and family.

He will live forever in my heart, memories, and actions.

 

The Power of Friends

Gary has gotten calls from his friends and a few get well cards as well.   He really appreciates that people are checking in on him.  It reminds him that they care.  It is really such a simple thing, to send a card or make a quick phone call and it really does mean so much to people who are ill or recovering.    There are some folks who will send an email or say, “oh, I didn’t want to call and wake you up,” but in Gary’s opinion that is a cop out.   His feeling is that  it is better to put forth the effort with a phone call than to do nothing or just show up at the front door.   Showing up forces the issue, it is hard to turn people away if you are awake and visible.   A phone call gives him the option or communicating or not, depending upon how he feels.   And a phone call, even if unanswered delivers that message that the person cares and is thinking of him. Please make a mental note of that – I plan to do the same and to be more proactive to let people know I am thinking of them!

Yesterday Gary’s friends came over and cleaned up our yard of leaves.  This was AWESOME! It wasn’t easy as Gary was really tired and needed to “supervise” with the location and use of  the equipment he has to make the job easier.  Luckily all of these folks are “in the industry” and know how to use tractors, trailers, and power equipment!   It was a BIG job as nothing had been done in the yard since the leaves started falling.   Plus, the Sandy hurricane brought down more leaves than normal at this time of year as well as many branches.

Normally Gary keeps up on the leaves but  his surgery was in mid-October before the majority of the leaves had fallen.  In theory I could have ridden the tractor with the cyclone rake attached but that wasn’t likely to happen.   It certainly wasn’t a priority for me when Gary was in the hospital and when he came home I was too busy caring for him and running errands (that’s my excuse and I’m sticking with it).  Also, I really don’t know how to use the equipment. While I could have learned, it would have been painful for Gary to watch me!  And, after the hurricane the leaves were really too heavy to use the lawn tractor.

At any rate, it was great of his friends to come over and do this for us!  Gary is always the first one to help others and it was nice to be on the other side. Of course, Gary would prefer to be on the giving end but he was appreciative of the efforts of others when he was on the receiving end.  It took 5+ hours for the whole job so it really was a labor of love by his 3 friends.  Gary was too weak to help at all.  He could offer directions for setting up the equipment but he could not participate at all.   He sat in the workshop and dozed and watched TV while others worked.  That is totally out of character for Gary and shows how tired and weak he really is.  He really shouldn’t even been down there in my opinion but it was where he wanted to be and being there included him in the process.

YEAH, FRIENDS, THANK YOU!

I still worry that he is not eating enough and that if only he could eat more he would be less tired.  At least moving around more helps his appetite and he is trying to eat more.  I try not to pester him to eat because I know it is difficult but it is hard to sit back and keep my mouth shut!